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To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Golf is a puzzle without an answer. What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. At the golf corpse! Gardner Dickinson, Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. If you like football - I would rather think that you are active, optimistic and strict a bit. The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! Spread your legs shoulder width, that's the first step to a successful golf swing. And maybe thats why the highs were so high and the lows felt so low. But you cant just forget not to think. Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. Tommy Armour, 40. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. A dirty joke is a joke that is usually considered inappropriate because of its indecent punchline. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf. Follow These Tips on How To Handle Frustration. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Robert Fuller Murray, The uglier a mans legs are, the better he plays golf. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a468f26f096b5aaed8fdef8efc580f6f" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. 3. Their fore-fathers! Check out these hilarious jokes that are guaranteed to make you smile. Or on top." "I have lovemaking with you a lot in my head." "Let's have a 'who's better in b3d' contest. Americans infatuated with golf established country and golf clubs, built ornate clubhouses, laid out inland park courses, experimented with new types of equipment, and even modified time-honored rules. Siegfried Sassoon, Golf is the infallible test. A shot that goes in the cup is pure luck, but a shot to within two feet of the flag is skill. Ben Hogan, 5. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. -Lee Trevino Hank Aaron, Golf, golf, golf is all the story! And three, have a passion for what youre doing. Juli Inkster, 28. Youngman is credited with inventing the "Take my wifeplease" trope. nay I my child, and eke, oh! If a bird sh#ts on your golf cart, do not ever take her golfing again. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. Does a bear crap in the woods? So, I'm on the first tee with him. It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the mens tee, please!. Guys will spend at least 5 minutes looking for a golf ball. "I'm in my bed you're in your bed ". Get in the hole! P.G. They dont have the heart for it. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Why are computers such naturally good golfers? Whos there? Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? 1. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. 3 of 10. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse. Would you like to see my Slazenger along with my freshly cleaned balls? What is the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball lost in the rough? If you win through bad sportsmanship, thats no real victory. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 11. P-U-T-T is correct, the instructor replied. Noah who? My shaft is bent. The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. "Golf is my profession. Tahiti. "I was married to her for 35 years." 2. My doctor told me I cant play golf. Oh, when did he play with you?. See photos about 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes from Golf Digest In golf as in life, it is the follow through that makes the difference. Anonymous, 34. 1. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. People may find dirty jokes shocking or disgusting, but no one can deny they're funny as hell! Damn, my shaft's all bent. I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake. Why do golfers carry a spare pair of golf shorts? 2. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if youre not good at them. Roy Tin Cup McAvoy, the greatest that never was. Chuck Hogan, Dont play too much golf. Jack Lemmon is probably remembered best for his roles in The Odd Couple and The Apartment. How I Lost Weight Playing Golf & Other Golf Benefits, Golf And Fitness Tips from a TPI Golf Fitness Instructor, How to Improve Your Handicap and Golf Game, How To Know What Golf Club to Use on the Golf Course, Goal Setting is a Great Way to Improving Your Golf Game, Best Putters for Women 2023 Find the Best Ladies Putters, Black Friday and Cyber Monday Golf Discounts. Im a friend and all Im going to do is give it a nice little ride. Sam Snead, 35. document.getElementById("copyright_year").innerHTML = new Date().getFullYear(); We do our best to represent colors accurately, but viewing screens vary from one to another, and from real life. Clubbing. If you worry about the ones you missed, you are going to keep missing them. Walter Hagen, 47. "Damn, my shaft is all bent." Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton, 63. -Bob Hope The harder you practice, the luckier you get. Gary Player, 32. What does a golfer do on his day off? Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. However, every person playing the game has the basis of good mental skills for golf. Your email address will not be published. This post may contain affiliate links. Whos there? They have a hard drive. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented. Arnold Palmer, 2. How Long Does It Take to Play 18 Holes of Golf? Of course, after painting the Mona Lisa, you'll likely soon be back to bleeding. G.K. Chesterton, I dont like to watch golf on television because I cant stand people who whisper. fodrizzle. Weve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. 21. 3 / 10. I never prayed that I would make a putt. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: Hey Don, come here. Putter Around. Any birdie will do. Golf is a lot like life. Important advice: if you golf during the election, make sure you cast your absent-tee ballot! Why don't golfers ever eat pie? The battle that raged inside each players head. A dinner without wine. Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges Full Text: Please do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground. Nothing. All the fans are gone! Leslie Nielsen, Mini-golf is a lot like life. Wodehouse, Golf is Not a great sport. You get bad breaks from good shots, good breaks from bad shots but you have to play where it lies. Bobby Jones, 23. Why was Cinderella such a poor golfer? If the point of golf is to hit the ball less, then do I win if I don't play at all? Their expectation, however, is very different. Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. To find a mans true character, play golf with him. P.G. It can be rewarding. The means are as important as the ends. Bruce Lansky, Author. Full Text: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? I'm hoping to be a sore loser." Related: Best Ways On How To Flirt With A Guy Over Text? Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken. - Bobby Jones You need to adjust your grip. Sam Snead. Golf is very much like a love affair. but I can show you what is! "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". Just tap it in. How about you bring two of your friends and we play a foursome? The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. Golfs a game where you shout, FOUR! and score a seven, while writing down a five. Do you know why the game is called golf? From the moment I saw you, I've had a vertical shaft angle. No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyones game: its called an eraser. Arnold Palmer, the King of golf and comedy apparently. 2. Wash your balls. Your source for the latest and greatest golf news, tips, gear reviews, and giveaways. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". A two-foot putt on the practice green doesnt spark many doubts. Mark Twain, The average golfer doesnt play golf. The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. These are results of some deep thoughts and observations from their lives and are like our lives because we are all human. Are you into kinky stuff? Thats how long a Scotsman takes to finish a bottle of Scotch! "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". What did the duck say to the golf ball? I enjoy this bit of golf/life wisdom. What does he do if you miss a putt?, Friend: Somersaults? Obviously I'm a man that loves Gatorade and I'd definitely like to raid your gato. / They havent turned up, and I doubt if they will. Andy to ave a water golf ball retriever for the round with you! Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?, Mr. Palmer replied, Do you own a 3 iron?. Just as in life, you are presented with options; its up to you to decide which ones suit you best. Sandra Haynie, 30. Such is the game. Lorii Myers, Perhaps more than any other sport, golf focuses pressure on the player. "If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.". Tahiti hole in one, you need to hit the golf ball straight. Short Golf Jokes & Puns 1. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin. Bob Bruce One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. Ben Hogan, Golf has some drawbacks. I have been able to hope for the best, expect the worst, and take what comes along. Answer: Roarin Mcilroy. Golf?! Funny common dirty golf pictures meme Matching search results: #8: I never had one thought all week. On a golf course, nature is neutered. Knock, knock No, but I'm willing to screw in them. -Bobby Jones Geoff Shackelford, Golf sits in that beautiful junction between perfection and frustration. The worst club in my bag is my brain. Chris Perry, 42. "Hockey is a sport for white men. "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off." Bruce Lansky 15 of 50 Scott Halleran/Getty Images "On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); Achieve more with each and every round you play. Man: "Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass." A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. I love the contrast between the agony of a golfer bleeding out and the ecstasy of a moment of creative genius. Noah golf pro who can fix your swing? So, what are your thoughts? PG Wodehouse. Are you a water hazard? What Is The Difference Between a Golf Skirt and a Tennis Skirt? Or under. 6. A smart shot is when you dont have the guts to try it. Phil Mickelson, 4. 20. 2. Concentrate on the one fault you want to overcome. Sam Snead, 55. Everyday I'm Schauffele. You hit down to make the ball go up. Play golf. So what are you waiting for? Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, Its golf balls., The blond looked at him compassionately and said: Oh you poor thing. I chipped in from the rough! How many does he do?, Man: Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.. -Happy Gilmore. He hauls off and whacks onebig hitter, the Lamalong, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino "Golf is my profession. Your second mental problem is concentration. Make your partner smile with these adult golf jokes. You dont know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. Lee Trevino at his best. From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. Your email address will not be published. "Gunga galunga gunga, gunga-galunga." 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. I'd say how hard do I hit it, he'd tell me and I'd swing. Have fun. It keeps you young. Patty Berg, 29. 5. In the Golf of Mexico! Golf is a game that is special and unique in that there is always something to learn. He was perfecting his swing. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. Golfing is a lot like masturbation. clubs. Required fields are marked *. See you in the Email! 2. See more ideas about golf quotes funny, golf, golf quotes. Don't dirt your soul. / It is a gait he only knows / When he has on his golfing clothes. Andy. 2023, 35 BEST Lionel Leo Messi Quotes (About Life, Work, and Football That Will Inspire You), 53 Cristiano Ronaldo Motivational Quotes (About Football, Hard Work, Life, and Family), Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. Simpson, Most people play a fair game of golf If you watch them. John shouts back in a nervous voice, Throw me my 8-iron! If we . And that thought is: Dont think. Joey Adams, It takes exactly eighteen shots tae polish off a fifth o a bottle o Scotch, thus, a game o golf equates tae eighteen holes. I've got some good news. You're like an ugly dog-leg, but I'd still like to tee off. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers , Now, enough talking, lets swing this thing. Sam Snead, Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. Nay! Winston S. Churchill, You ought to take more exercise if youre inclined to have a liver. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." What's the difference between a golf ball and a car? Hey would you like what you're hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing? It will test your patience. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy, submissons by: az11107, jemallor, 21ob, dudedudester1, racke78, mcsheehy54, konczalangelia, fourq2. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. There are no time constraints, as there are in other sports. Whos there? Days when you just dont have it, you dont pack it in, you give it everything youve got. A golfer has to train his swing on the practice tee, then trust it on the course. Dr. Bob Rotella, 49. Why is Hearts a golfers worst card game? Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night? 8. When you hit the cup but dont sink the shot, its called Prom Night. Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter! Is your body a shot that comes up short on the 17th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews because I can see it rolling around in the sand? Success depends less on strength of body than upon strength of mind and character. Arnold Palmer, 52. Youre shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole. Im the best. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. He also starred with the equally late and great Walter Matthau in one of my favorite movies, Grumpy Old Men. Always keep learning. Happiness is a long walk with a putter Greg Norman, 38. putt." Lansky's quote is funny because, well, as golfers we're all a little bit masochistic.